Tips for Friends and Family of Cancer Patients

Cancer has barged into our lives again, I'm sad to say. Yet another family member has been diagnosed. Understandably, friends and family are concerned. They want to know what's going on and they want to help, but if you haven't been through it, it's hard to know what's helpful. Every person is different and so is every cancer patient. Some people are very private and others share every detail on social media with the world. Having been through cancer treatment myself and now facing chemotherapy with a loved one, there are a few things that come to mind that would be more helpful than others.

Stay Positive. First and foremost, and this is a hard one, try not to overreact. A cancer diagnosis is not an automatic death sentence these days. After the initial shock of my diagnosis, I realized that I didn't want to mope around like I was already dead and I didn't want others to treat me that way. People can live with cancer for a long time. Like all things in life, it's a marathon, not a sprint. The other thing I've realized is doctors don't know everything. I've heard far too many stories of doctors getting life expectancy terribly wrong. Again, every patient is different and nothing is certain. We just have to take it a day at a time and be the best patient we can be. Please stay positive and help your patient friend stay positive too. Humor is a great alternative to gloom and doom.

I also know you want to help with every suggestion you can think of, but these click-bait articles you find on the internet with miracle cures are not helpful. There is so much garbage about cancer out there you can't believe it! Just try to be supportive and let your patient friend decide what kind of care they want in consultation with their doctors. Unless, of course, you are a doctor yourself. Then feel free to pipe up.

Cooking. There's a tendency to want to cook for the patient and their family. At our house, the patient is not eating large, heavy meals right now and my kids aren't crazy about casseroles, so the only one to eat such things is me. I'm afraid, no matter how well intentioned, food will be wasted. What helps more than food itself is gift cards to buy the special foods that the patient can tolerate. When you're sick, you know how you eat, right? Right now we're eating small meals with high protein if possible. Nothing too spicy, sweet, or fatty. A chemo patient may lose their taste for something they've always enjoyed and their tastes can change from day to day. What sounds delicious one day may sound terrible on another day. You can imagine the grocery bill from trying to accomodate all the changes. Drinks like Boost or Ensure are great; be sure to get the highest protein/highest calorie ones you can find. But ask first if the patient even wants those and what flavors they like. Again, gift cards or money may be the best way to help with food.

Visiting. I think visiting a person when they are ill is a great way to support them, but there are several things to keep in mind. You shouldn't visit if you are sick. Chemotherapy patients have weakened immunity to germs of all kinds. Even if you just have a little cold, skip a visit and text instead. Call before you come and make sure the time you want to visit is OK. Call a day or two ahead to give the patient enough time to be ready for your visit. If you were laying around your house in your underwear, you wouldn't want to be surprised by visitors, right? And once you've set a time, try to be on time. You don't need to stay for a long time unless the patient asks you to. Visit length will all depend upon how long a patient feels comfortable and it's up to you to recognize maybe when it's time to go. Probably shorter is better than longer if they aren't up to talking much.

Helping. I've had lots of offers to help around the house and I truly appreciate those offers. At the moment, I don't need a whole lot of help, but it is reassuring to know that I only have to ask if I need help. And I probably will at some point. I'm lucky to have the flexibility in my job to take leave for all the medical appointments we've had and will be having. I can't imagine doing this with a job that didn't have that flexibility. If your friend or family member with cancer needs help with traveling to appointments, by all means, offer to do that if you can. Offer child care or pet care if they need that. If they have no way to clean their house, do laundry or dishes, offer that. More than anything, we want our lives to feel normal. If your household is falling apart around you, that's not a great way to feel normal.

To this day, I think of that movie scene in Oh God! with John Denver and George Burns as God. God has appeared in John Denver's bathroom to tell him he has a plan for him and John Denver is freaking out. God tells him to shave. "Sometimes when you don't feel normal, doing a normal  thing makes you feel normal," God says. Of course, God is right. We need to maintain an even keel and keep things as normal as we can to stay positive. Thinking too far ahead will drive you crazy.



I want to sincerely thank everyone who's reached out and visited and supported us. It makes this a little easier to bear. Our chemo journey is just starting. It will be hard, but we will get through it. If I forget to thank you for a card or a gift, please know that it is appreciated and I love you.

Goodbye 2017 ~ Hello 2018

2017 has been a good year for me personally. I'm cancer free so far. My job is going well. My garden succeeded for a change. My kids seem to be doing well in school, dare I say thriving? In fact, I've been so busy that a few things have fallen off the plate. I've pretty much been on a writing hiatus since my diagnosis in 2016. 

At first, I needed the time to focus on my health, but after that improved, I never got back into the habit. Now I'm one of those people who says "How do you find the time for that??" except I already know how. I'm ashamed to say the news of the world has knocked me out of my "happy writer place" and made it difficult to concentrate on most anything fictional. I've even been reading less fiction, which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing, for my sanity's sake.

I have plenty of writer chores I need to do: write a couple sequels, finish Troll Teeth, begin querying again. It's hard work and there's no one around forcing me to do it, is the problem. If I had a deadline, I'd be more effective. Of course, the answer has always been, make your own deadline and make yourself meet it. It's no easy feat, which is why not everyone is a writer.




I also don't exercise like I did before my diagnosis. Again, busy work got in the way and it was easy to put it off. When I was diagnosed, a part of me was angry about all the exercise and weight loss I'd been doing. Wasn't I making myself healthier?? Apparently not. After my surgery, yoga and arm exercises were painful for me. I've since learned I have to stretch through the pain to become flexible again, but at the time, it was easier just to not do it. Part of me was like "*uck it, you only live once, might as well eat what I want to". But the other part of me likes to eat healthy and fit into size 8 jeans. I feel better. I've come to the realization that women only need 1200 calories a day, maybe less, to survive. Anything after that is stored away as fat. It's not fair, but its a fact. I still love a good Krispy Kreme, but I want to try to get back to my 2015 weight. Again, work no one makes you do but you.

Written goals are always better than "somedays" so here's my list for 2018~

* write more - finish projects in progress; write sequels; maybe write something new; blog more
* eat healthy - eat out less often, eat less in general
* exercise more - yoga and cardio
* less internet news

What are your plans for 2018? Whatever it is, I wish you peace and happiness in the coming year~

Checking in on 2016 Goals

Early this year I set out some goals for 2016, not knowing what this year would bring. Boy, was I surprised. I thought I'd take a minute to check over those goals and ask myself, what the heck happened??  I'm not making excuses, but I can already tell you many of these fell by the wayside in March when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I also lost three aged, beloved pets this spring. It was not a fun time.

So what were my goals for 2016?

1) Read lots of books - The first casualty was reading. It usually is the first thing to go because it's a "nice to do" not a "have to do". I did read the new Harry Potter play, which was mildly entertaining. And Mrs. Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, which I liked. (The movie totally changed the ending though.)

2) Write lots of words - Hoo boy! This I did NOT do. At all. When you're worried about your health and going to doctor appointments every week or more, you just don't feel that creative. No new projects were started this year. JuNoWriMo was skipped because of radiation therapy in June. However, I did complete edits on a middle grade manuscript I'm quite fond of called "Troll Teeth and other Bedtime Stories".

3) Travel - I was a little tied down this spring with radiation treatments every day for six and a half weeks, but after that I went to north Idaho to see family. I've also had some good day trips, some to places I've never been before. Most excitingly, I've got reservations for next spring break in St. Petersburg, Florida. I haven't been there for over twenty years.

4) Exercise and eat healthy - This really shouldn't be a goal; it should be every day life. I do mostly eat healthy, but I can't lie - when I thought I might be taking chemotherapy, I did some stress eating. I thought it might be helpful to bulk up before chemo so I had a little weight to lose anyway. Probably not what a doctor would advise, but it made sense to me at the time. I didn't end up getting chemotherapy, so I started watching my portions again. My exercise routine was interrupted by my surgery and I'm afraid I never really got back on the bandwagon. I still enjoy seeing how far I can go on my Fitbit each day, but I think weight bearing exercise is just as important as steps are. People keep saying "sitting is the new smoking". I got a standing desk at work and it's pretty cool.

5) Publish - I did the query thing, a got few nibbles, but no bites. My self-published titles are doing well on Amazon, so I decided to self-publish "Crawdad". It should be available very soon.  The rights to "Vessel" were reverted to me from the publisher this year, so I'll be self-publishing that as well. "Troll Teeth" is with a publisher for consideration, as is "Star Taker, Sky Dragon", a steampunk adventure story. If those don't work out, they're both candidates for self-publishing too.

6) Grow a garden that survives - This one I achieved!!  A new fence around the garden and a new greenhouse helped a lot, as well as a drop in the vole population spike.  I got tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, squash, beans, onions, lettuce, and beets. I made pickles, salsa, tomato sauce, and spaghetti sauce. I've still got tomatoes, but I think I've canned just about all the stuff we can eat, so I'm not sure what I'll do with those. I also plan to make enchilada sauce when my anchos are dried. I also grew the prettiest flowers! The frost got the zinnias already, but there's still poppies and marigolds.

7) Save some money - yeah, not so much. Maybe next year?

8) Do some home improvements - other than the new greenhouse, not much of this happened either
 
9) Meditate - This helped me tremendously in March and April, which were terribly stressful months. I've meditated before with just a timer, but his year I found an app that had guided mediations for things like stress and worry. It was just what I needed. Check out the Gaiam Mediation Studio if you're interested.



10) Gratitude - If I didn't know how to do this before, I sure do now. Nothing like a life-threating illness to make you appreciate the life you have. I read an inspiring quote the other day that's going to stick with me for awhile....

We don't always know how we'll die, but we can always choose how we will live~

I chose to live life in peace, love, and gratitude.

Life is a Series of Last Chance Canyons~

A wise cowboy once told me his personal philosophy ~ life is a series of last chance canyons. He said he realized it once while he was riding the range in Last Chance Canyon and wondered about the name. Dry Creek Canyon was named for the creek that went dry in the summer. Rock Creek Canyon had a lot of rocks. It occurred to him that someone must have had a last chance in this canyon once.

He said you have a lot of chances in life, firsts and lasts. Everyone remembers their firsts: your first bike ride, your first date, your first day of school are things everyone recognizes as significant. You remember some of your lasts too, like graduation is an end to you childhood, but some you don't notice until they're passed. Like your last chance to hold your child on your lap or jump on the bed with them. Pretty soon they grow up and you've lost that chance. Or you last chance to see an old friend or loved one. Most of us have experienced a sudden loss where we didn't know the last time we saw or spoke to someone was our last chance to be with them, to share a special moment with them, and let them know how we feel. If we'd only known.

Life is a series of last chance canyons. Don't be afraid to take a chance~

This Writer's Goals for 2016~

Happy New Year!

Time to start anew. If last year was crappy, forget about it! You can always make the next one better. They say, and I believe it's true, writing down your goals makes them more achievable, so here it goes~

My goals for 2016 are as follows:

1) Read lots of books

Last year I read about 25 books, which is pretty good for me! I intend to keep it up. Join me over on Goodreads and set up your own reading goal.

2) Write lots of words

Between 50,000 and 100,000 words would be good. I'll probably take part in JuNoWriMo to get a good chunk of those. June works much better for me than other months. Summer in general works better for me than the school year. I'm in between projects right now with a rough draft to be edited. I'm sure I can have an outline ready by June though.







3) Travel

Going some place I've never been before always inspires me to write, so this is a definite "to do". Last year it was Hawaii. This year, who knows??


4) Exercise and eat healthy

I got a new Fitbit for Christmas and I think I love it already. All the incentive of tracking daily habits without the monthly fee of joining Weight Watchers. (I love you too, WW. Just not the fee.)

5) Publish

I have two novels I'm currently querying and a third rough draft that I'd like to get into shape for querying soon. With any luck, someone somewhere will want something of mine, right?

6) Grow a garden that survives

My garden was a dismal failure last year due to rabbits, voles, and a lack of effort. When I realized how much damage the varmits were causing, I kind of gave up. I still want a garden though. It's going to require raised bed - cages of some sort because there are still lots of rabbits around. I'll come up with something.


7) Save some money

I want to set up a seperate savings account that's never tapped into for normal bills and expenses so it can grow undisturbed. It's just a matter of setting it up and making an auto deposit. I have college savings accounts, so I know I can do it. I just have to make it happen.

8) Do some home improvements

This follows from the above obviously. I'd like to save some money to make some home improvements. I'd like to replace our gas range with an electric one so I don't set myself or the house on fire. I'm not a fan of open flames in cooking, at least not in my house. I'd also like to build a fireplace, but that's sort of a major undertaking. And a back yard patio and pergola would be nice. See? There's no end of reasons for Goal #7.

9) Meditate

My life gets pretty dang hectic starting in January through June, mostly due to my daughter's dance competition season. I get stressed out and cranky. I've meditated before and found it to be a nice respite from all my rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off. I plan to make time for it again this year.

10) Gratitude

Last but not least, I always want to remember to show my gratitude for the people I work with and the family I love, as well as all the blessings in my life. Life is fragile and it can be gone in a moment. 2015 taught me that once again. I don't want to waste a single minute of 2016 complaining or worrying,if that's possible.

What goals will you make for 2016?

I truly believe #LifeisGood :)

I didn't personally know Tina, but I do believe in her motto #LifeisGood and I love sunflowers too, so I'm joining the Sunflower Blogfest in her honor. This bad boy is standing out in my garden right now, probably twelve feet tall. We may not know how much time we have in this world, but I hope we can all find time to savor the little joys that find us each day.

Like a nice bath..

 

Or a nice writing buddy...

 

 

~Wishing you Peace and Sunflowers my friends ~ this day and always~

 

My Teen Wish~

The well accepted cliché is that teens ignore everything their parents and other adults say, right? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Teens are like big sponges, soaking up everything around them. It may not look like it to the untrained eye, but everything is taken in, filed away, and locked deep down inside until it gets expressed later. Teens don't truly ignore anything, although sometimes I wish they would.

Every "we can't afford it", every "you look like a beached whale", and every "you'll never succeed with that idea because you're too lazy/dumb/poor/insert your own awful word - all of those words are held onto, whether they're worth keeping or not.

I wish every one of us was born with our own personal "garbage detector", but we aren't. We have to learn what's crap or fact the hard way, that the lies some people told us are just that - lies.

So here's what I wish for teens~

Be deaf to anyone who tells you that you shouldn't aspire to be something greater. Be deaf to "can't" and "won't" and "shouldn't". Refuse to hear "poor" or "lazy" or "stupid" when someone uses it on you and never let it hold you back from your dreams.

#5Things on #valentinesday

Happy Valentines's Day peeps :)

I wrote the whiniest blog post the other day. Thank goodness I didn’t save it. It was terrible! Suffice to say, I must have been feeling sorry for myself, which is never pleasant to read. I am decidedly not a winter person. Instead, I want to tell you about a new twitter friend I’ve met who almost exclusively tweets with the #5Things hashtag. Don’t roll your eyes! Hashtags can be fun. J

Paulette Waltz (also known as @5THINGSaDAY on Twitter) encourages followers to tweet five things each day they’re grateful for. I think it’s a perfectly lovely idea. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on what’s not working in your life instead of all the wonderful things you experience every day.

I haven’t posted #5Things every day yet, but I’ve posted a few times.  I challenge you to give it a try too. Today, I’m going to post #5Things I’m grateful for this month – February.

5) a roof over my head and food in the kitchen.

4) my children, especially my son who was born in February. He’s driving me crazy counting down the days until his party!

3) a writing project that’s creeping steadily along. Forward is always better than backward.

2) the love of friends and family. You all mean so much to me.

1) Hmm…this is a hard choice. I think I’ll say ‘coffee’. I’m grateful for coffee. J

How ‘bout you?

Letting Go

It’s been quiet on the blog here, mainly because I needed a break, but also because my family has moved to a new house. There’s been no time for blogging.  It’s a lovely home and will be good for us, but the whole process of moving has been very stressful for me. I guess when you’ve been in a place for sixteen years, you tend to put down roots that resist coming up easy. You also accumulate a lot of dust.  You save stuff you think you might use one day, only to realize five years have passed and you’ve never even looked at it. You never really needed it and it’s time to let it go. Some things are easy to give up. Letting go is much harder when it comes to artwork your child made when they were two and just discovering paint. (Don’t worry; I didn’t put it all in the trash.)

 

I’ll admit I’m a bit of a clutter bug, but it’s nothing compared to the rest of my family, all of whom have serious pack rat issues. I think we’re getting there though. Just so long as they look the other way while I’m tossing out their old school papers and expired Easter candy.

 

On a positive note, I think this cleansing process is probably long overdue. Sitting too long in our own comfy marinade probably doesn’t push us to do new things enough, to shake off the old, and get on with the new. At the very least, I’ve learned that moving the furniture around now and then is probably a good idea. You never know what might fall under there!

 

As good as all this change is, I find myself eager to get back to old routines, like reading and writing. I’m making slow progress on editing a rough draft for submission this year and I’ve just started reading “The Asylum” with the Gothic Book Club on Goodreads. It’s a good stretch for me. I’ve even been thinking maybe I could write a gothic-style novel some day. Hmm J

 

How about you? Is there any aspect of your life that needs decluttered? Maybe it’s time for a good spring cleaning!

 

 

October 25 ~ A Healthier Me

A year ago in September, I went home for lunch and stepped on the scale. I said, “All right. That’s enough. Something’s got to change.” And I signed up for Weight Watchers online. At first, I just tracked my food and I started to lose some weight. Not huge amounts, but enough to be encouraging. After a few weeks though, the weight loss slowed down. In October, I added exercise to my routine and that has made all the difference in the world. By February, I was down to my goal weight. Not some ridiculous two digit weight, but a weight that was healthy for me given my age and height.

 

Today, it occurred to me that I’ve been exercising regularly for about a year now. I’m still at my goal weight. It fluctuates a pound or two, here and there, but that’s normal. I’m stronger and slimmer than I’ve probably ever been my whole adult life and it only took six months. I wish everyone could do this. I mean, anyone CAN do this, but there’s a whole host of reasons why people don’t. It all comes down to you. If you say to yourself, “Self, I’m ready to change myself and my habits and I’m not going to give up until I get it” then you can. And it doesn’t have to happen all at once. I made my changes slowly, a little bit at a time.

 

When I first started tracking my food, it was so hard to stop myself from eating too much. I was snacking WAY too much. I love chocolate. I always had some in my desk. My portions were outta whack. The first few weeks were definitely the hardest because I was learning just how many “points” my usual meals were costing me and I hadn’t yet learned healthier alternatives. I was hungry a lot then. But as I was able to acclimate myself to smaller meals and healthier snacks, I found that smaller portions were enough for me. The stomach is a very elastic thing; the more you stuff in it, the more it stretches and the more food it takes to fill it. If you stop stretching it so much, it shrinks back down after a while.

 

The wonderful thing about Weight Watchers is you can eat any food you want. I could eat chocolate and cookies, and I still do. The key is portion size – it has to be small. The minute you tell me I can’t have something, that’s the only thing I want. You do have to exercise a lot of restraint with those things to keep the portion small, but you can still have it.

 

I was lucky when I started WW I had already given up soda a few years ago. My stomach can hardly tolerate it now; the carbonation kills me. If there was just one thing you could do to improve your health, if nothing else – don’t drink soda. It has a lot of calories and no health value whatsoever. The phosphoric acid is bad for your teeth and probably your bones as well. And you can save a boat load of money by not buying it. That’s my two cents on that. HATE SODA!

 

Anyway, that’s all there is to it. Lots of little changes that add up over time. Less food. More activity. So easy.

October 5~ Goodbye Summer

 
 
 
 

My son and I took a little trip to a local pumpkin patch today. It was a crisp fall day. As much as I hate to admit it, it's time to say goodbye to summer. I'll miss my morning glories. They're pretty much gone now, but I have my pictures.




At the pumpkin patch, we loaded up on pumpkins and squash, big and little. And I found some yummy jam there made with strawberries and honey.  I'm a sucker for anything that says "honey" on it.




Of course, Ryan had to slide down the straw slide face first and shoot the corn cannon multiple times. The cannon was pretty impressive, a real launcher.



I couldn't convince Ryan it was actually chilly out and he shouldn't wear shorts.  To compensate, or maybe just to make me feel better, he wore three shirts and a vest. Moms are stupid, duh.  I guess he's not ready to say goodbye to summer either.





I hope you are enjoying fall~

October 3 ~ Social Media for Writers

 


I recently got some great advice regarding promoting one's writing on social media and I thought I'd pass it along to you. Well actually, there's two things:


First off, you may have heard all the advice about building an online platform for yourself. You've got to have a presence on Twitter and Goodreads and Tumbr and Facebook and Linkdin and Pinterest and a blog and who knows what else!!  All that is fine and good if you are a twenty-something techno-geek that loves playing online 24/7.  It's not fine if you have a family and a real job and real life responsibilities like most people. It can get overwhelming in a hurry.  Yes, you still do need to promote yourself and your work online. So what to do?  Here's the great advice:

Explore your options and decide which ones appeal the most to you. Do those!

If you aren't an "status update" kind of person, maybe Facebook isn't for you.  If you don't see the point in saying anything less than 140 characters, maybe Twitter isn't your thing.  You will be most effective on those sites that you enjoy visiting and using and conversing with readers on. There's no reason to try to use a site that makes no sense to your brain (i.e. me and Tumblr). You won't be effective there anyway, so don't worry about it. If your writing is good, your readers will find you wherever you are, which leads me to the second thing I wanted to mention:

Writers write!  Don't spend so much time on social media that you sacrifice your writing. That's my new problem, so with that, I'm going to write! See you tomorrow~

Blog 30 Goonies Never Say "Die"!!

Lately, I’ve noticed some of my writer friends are unhappy.  There are a variety of reasons, but most of it seems to revolve around criticism. Notice I didn’t say “critiques”, but criticism.  Opinions are like those other things everyone else has, right? They’re always going to be there.  The trick is to keep those criticisms or unhelpful opinions from bogging us down, or worse, stopping us from writing altogether.

When I first self-published Storyteller, it took a long time to get my first review. The jist of it was, “Meh, its ok.” At least, that’s what I took away from it. Needless to say, I was hoping for a little better than 'meh'. Actually, I was crushed.  And that was from someone who probably thought they were being kind. I can’t imagine what I would have done if that someone had been actually trying to hurt my feelings.  I’ve always been a sensitive person and I can take a lot of things to heart – way too many things- but I’m getting better at separating myself from criticism. At least I think I am. I guess we’ll see how I do when Hush Puppy is released and the first reviews come in.

A few years back, I facilitated a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. What’s that and what does it have to do with criticism? A lot actually. The workshop teaches girls how to deal with all the messages they get each day, both positive and negative, but the advice is excellent for anyone of any age. I love the message so I’m going to pass it along to you.

Imagine yourself in a giant bubble, everywhere you go. This is your personal space bubble. It protects you. You decided what to let into your bubble and what to keep out. Let in the good things around you: supportive friends and family. Reject the bad things, in this case: unconstructive criticism that only seeks to unsettle you or separate you from your dreams. We don’t want to completely shut ourselves off from constructive criticism, but we should be selective as to whom we let into our bubble.

My favorite writer about writing, Brenda Ueland, says this:

"The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny; whose attitude is: Tell me more. Tell me all you can. I want to understand more about everything you feel and know and all the changes inside and out of you. Let more come out. And if you have no such friend,  -and you want to write, -well then you must imagine one."

If you haven’t read her book "If you want to write: a book about art, independence, and spirit" , I urge you to check it out. I’ve raved about it in posts before, so I won’t do it here. I’ll just say there are some lovely passages. Whenever I get discouraged about my writing, I open it up and quickly find comfort.

And if you find yourself the subject of unwanted criticism, decide what to accept and what to disregard. The choice is truly yours.

Blog #22 Letter to my Fifteen Year Old Self

Today is my 43rd birthday.  I had to give some extra thought to what I might write today.  I finally settled on this letter to myself when I was a young writer. Please feel free to pass it along to any young writers you may know too~

Dear me, 

I know there are lots of kids out there, just like you, who want to write something, but lack the confidence or the support to do it. I’m here to tell you, do it anyway.

Maybe you think it’s stupid or silly or you wouldn’t show it to anyone in a million years. That’s ok. Keep every single scrap of paper you ever wrote a story on anyway. You might use it later. You don’t have to show anyone until you’re ready.  Just remember, there’s no one like you in the whole world and you have something important to say. Everyone does.  Don’t listen to the naysayers that tell you otherwise. Ever.

And it may not be very good at first, but you’re learning. Like anything, it takes practice. Keep at it. Read everything you can and then write some more. Find your voice, your “you-ness”, and put it on the page.  When it is true and honest, it will shine and you will know you’ve done your best.

 

 

Blog #18 With sadness and regret…

I use Twitter as my news source. Some would say that’s ridiculous. Maybe it is, but all I really want to know is the 140 character gist of what’s up. If I want to know more, I’ll go to the internet or the tv after that, but it’s rarely necessary. I have an extremely low tolerance for television pundits. Anyway, you can imagine my dismay when the last news I got on Twitter (before losing my internet connection last weekend) was the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. I call it the Martin trial because it seems like Trayvon was the one on trial.

If a person can’t walk down the street to the convenience store and back without being considered “suspicious” what can they do? I know that being a black man in this country is not easy and I’ll never know what it’s truly like.

I just want to say this: The way we treat people is the way they tend to become. If we treat a child with contempt and distain, they grow into an angry, bitter adult. If we expect the worst of a child and we continually tell them they won’t succeed in life, that’s usually what happens. If we teach young people they should fear others and hate others, they won’t question it.  It’s a rare individual that can break out of that.  No one is born a failure or a success.  No one is born a bigot or a saint. We make them.  And I weep for us all.

Blog#16 DiversifYA Interview

This is a copy of a post over on DiverifYA today.  Marieke has been posting interviews by diverse young adult authors for about a month now and it’s been fascinating reading.  Here’s mine~

1.       How do you identify yourself?

I think of myself first and foremost as a mother, since it’s the most important job I’ve ever had and it can be all consuming.  Formal education is important, but I think it’s maybe more important that my children learn compassion, empathy, tolerance, and understanding.  I grew up in a non-traditional, white Southern U.S. family.  My parents divorced when I was young and I remember we were rather poor in those early days.  The South is all about social status based on skin color and economics, sorry to say.  It definitely shaped my outlook on the world. 

These days I’m working toward my dreams of being a writer, which means constantly fighting back that terrible inner voice that constantly whispers, “You aren’t good enough. No one will like you.” I’ve gotten a lot better at ignoring it.  I think a lot of people know that voice.  It’s based in fear.  And really, there is nothing to fear.  You and I are so much stronger than we know and we have to remember that.

2. What did it feel like growing up in a non-traditional family?

Back in the 1970’s, women were just starting to enter the work force. Being a single mother, my mother had to work whether she wanted to or not.  I see a lot of divorced parents nowadays sharing the care of their children, which is great.  In our situation, my mother was our only caregiver.  I remember coming home after school to an empty house many times. I was what they called a latch key kid.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but for much of my life, I longed for what I thought was a “normal” family, like the Brady Bunch I watched every afternoon.  I remember feeling poor because we were told so many times that we couldn’t afford things. And I remember feeling ashamed of the clothes I wore because they weren’t the hip and trendy things other kids wore at my school.  My sister and I certainly weren’t spoiled.

3. What are the biggest challenges? Conversely, what are the quirks/perks? 

Obviously, I think it’s hard for one parent to be all things to a child. A father brings different skills to parenting than a mother, and I think both are beneficial. Children are like sponges and they seem to need constant attention. I know my mother couldn’t give me all the time that I craved with her as a child, but she did the best she could. Sometimes it just isn’t possible for a child to have two parents living with them, but as long as they have positive adult role models in their lives, they can grow into healthy adults.

4. What do you wish people knew about having a non-traditional family?

That there is no “normal” anymore.  Society told us for years and years that a family consisted of a mother, a father, and their biological children.  But the concept of a family is so much bigger than that. Its aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, cousins and family friends that are so close they might as well be related.  Its domestic partners and step parents, half brothers and sisters.  It’s any home where you are loved, respected, and cared for.  That’s what’s important. Not whether or not you fit into neatly constructed categories created by someone in 1950.  There is no normal. Maybe there never was?

5. What are the biggest cliches/stereotypes you’ve seen?

Thanks to Cinderella, everyone one knows about evil step mothers and step sisters.  Unfortunately sometimes, they do exist. I never had an evil step mother or evil siblings, but I had an evil step father once that I’d rather not remember.  There’s also the “dead beat dad” stereotype.  Those people exist too, but I hope they are actually a minority. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.  Children can try the patience of a saint and some people just don’t have what it takes.  (I’ve often thought there should be some kind of permit or license required before you’re allowed to have children.) 

Kidding aside, I think perhaps the biggest misconception out there is that there is one perfect way to parent.  There have been a ton books published on how to do it, but the truth is, every child is different and must be raised a little differently.  We can’t help being diverse. It’s the way we’re built and that’s ok. It’s what we are.

Bonus: What is your advice for writers writing diverse characters?

I read someone’s advice once, but darn if I can’t remember who said it. The message was this – everyone wants something, even if it’s just a glass of water.  So every character you make must have some deep inner desire they’re carrying around inside them.  You’ve probably heard the standard “What does the main character want? What’s standing in their way?” Take it a step further and figure this out for every character, not just the main character.

Secondly, we’re all human and we have flaws.  These may be real flaws, like arrogance, or imagined flaws, like self-doubt.  We have bad habits, like smoking or drinking too much or gossiping, and we have good habits, like kindness and thoughtfulness. Give each character at least one flaw, maybe more, and at least one redeeming quality.  The world is not black and white; it’s gray. No one is all good or all bad. We are a little of everything.  Creating your characters this way gives them dimension and makes them inherently diverse.

Lastly, I like to give characters something special and unique to them. It can be physical or not. We all have eye color and skin color. We all have a culture.  In fantasy writing, it can be a magical power unique to that character. In my current manuscript, I made my main character a burn victim. (That sounds so mean.) I also gave her an unusual occupation – slave. (Really mean.)  You can probably imagine how these unique qualities contribute to the character’s desires and conflict in the novel.

If you remember these three things – desires, flaws, uniqueness – and build them into your characters, you can easily achieve diversity in your writing. Don’t be afraid of writing a character of another race than you, but be respectful by avoiding stereotypes. Remember that we’re all human beings with basically the same desires for love and respect and you’ll do fine.

Blog #13 Resolutions in Review

Half a year ago in deepest, darkest winter, I made a number of resolutions. I thought mid way through the year might be a good time to review and see what I still have left to do. Just to see how it's going.

1. Get published

I've been working hard with my editor on this one. Hush Puppy has made it through proofreading and has been sent off to the formatting department. Now, I'm just waiting for them to do their magic and tell me when it will be released...waiting...waiting patiently. Luckily, I have several other projects in the hopper to keep me preoccupied.  More about those in a later post...


2. Get healthy

I made it to a healthy goal weight in March and I'm in "maintenance" now. I fluctuate about a pound, up or down, each week. I can live with that. I feel good. My summer work schedule has changed how much time I have to work out, but I seem to be doing enough to stay in the right place. I never honestly thought I would lose as much as I did, but it came from changing eating habits and doing more exercise.  When you make up your own mind to change, it really isn't that hard to do. Honest.

3. Read and write more

Hmm. I read more during the winter. Lately, I've fallen off that wagon. Reading is one of those things that slips off the plate so easily for me. It's not for lack of books on my 'read' list at Goodreads.  See comment in a previous blog about cloning myself...

However, I do think I've been writing more or at least more regularly. My goal of a chapter a week seems to be keeping me on track toward finishing Storyteller Book 3 this fall, while giving me some flexibility in how much I get done on any given day.







4. Be more flexible, mentally and physically

For the physical part of this, I started doing yoga in the mornings. Nothing too crazy difficult. None of that 120 degree yoga class stuff for me. Just some nice stretching and breathing. It's good to take some time to just focus on your body and listen to what it's telling you. It's a wonderful way to start the day.

The mental part, well...I dunno. I do my best to remember my mental flexibility, but I'm sure I've had moments where I reacted with my gut to people, rather than being open to what they have to say. I guess that will just have to be a work in progress.

5. Rest when you need to

This is probably my downfall. Like a lot of people, I have a lot of balls in the air at any given time.  Like all this blogging, for instance.  Maybe in August, I'll take a break from daily blogging and read some more, get two resolutions done at once.

Did you make any resolutions this year? How's it going? I'd really like to know.

Blog #9 Missing my Morning Yoga

When the weather got over 100 degrees there for a few days, I switched my schedule around. I’m a creature of habit normally. On a typical day, I get up and do twenty minutes of yoga before breakfast and waking up anyone else. Then I get dressed and go to work. 

I started the yoga over the winter and it quickly became a favorite part of my routine.  I use a couple of Rodney Yee videos with lots of different workouts so I never get bored with it. At least not so far.

 

 

But when it started getting hot out, I decided I had better feed my llamas early in the morning while it’s still cool outside. It’s been nice seeing the sun come up.  I don’t have time to do both in the morning without getting up even earlier, so I thought I would just move the yoga to the evenings.

Trouble is I haven’t remembered to do it. Too many other things get in the way! Writing, blogging, taking the kids to the pool, the dog to the vet, etc. etc. I swear I need to clone myself just to get all the stuff done I need to do in a day.

 

 

 

Anyway, it kind of worked before, so starting this week I'm back to yoga in the mornings!  I'll just have to sweat out feeding llamas in the evenings, even if it is hot. :)  What's your morning ritual?

Blog #5 Loving Summer~

Egads! It’s been hot. I mean, yes, July is the hottest month of the year in Idaho on average, but this year has been like a furnace.  It’s been over 100 degrees inside my greenhouse for a week.  The tomatoes and squash are loving it. See?

 

 

 I even tried growing okra this year, but it’s still tiny. Maybe it will take off soon?  I should have morning glories any day now. J

Yes it's hot and stuffy and I'm prone to sunburn, but I love summer. I love growing flowers and eating the vegetables I grew from seed. I love the sunsets when the night cools off and lures you back outside. And I love being able to stand under the stars without a jacket on.

 

Hope you’re staying cool and loving summer too~