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2017 has been a good year for me personally. I'm cancer free so far. My job is going well. My garden succeeded for a change. My kids seem to be doing well in school, dare I say thriving? In fact, I've been so busy that a few things have fallen off the plate. I've pretty much been on a writing hiatus since my diagnosis in 2016.
At first, I needed the time to focus on my health, but after that improved, I never got back into the habit. Now I'm one of those people who says "How do you find the time for that??" except I already know how. I'm ashamed to say the news of the world has knocked me out of my "happy writer place" and made it difficult to concentrate on most anything fictional. I've even been reading less fiction, which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing, for my sanity's sake.
I have plenty of writer chores I need to do: write a couple sequels, finish Troll Teeth, begin querying again. It's hard work and there's no one around forcing me to do it, is the problem. If I had a deadline, I'd be more effective. Of course, the answer has always been, make your own deadline and make yourself meet it. It's no easy feat, which is why not everyone is a writer.
I also don't exercise like I did before my diagnosis. Again, busy work got in the way and it was easy to put it off. When I was diagnosed, a part of me was angry about all the exercise and weight loss I'd been doing. Wasn't I making myself healthier?? Apparently not. After my surgery, yoga and arm exercises were painful for me. I've since learned I have to stretch through the pain to become flexible again, but at the time, it was easier just to not do it. Part of me was like "*uck it, you only live once, might as well eat what I want to". But the other part of me likes to eat healthy and fit into size 8 jeans. I feel better. I've come to the realization that women only need 1200 calories a day, maybe less, to survive. Anything after that is stored away as fat. It's not fair, but its a fact. I still love a good Krispy Kreme, but I want to try to get back to my 2015 weight. Again, work no one makes you do but you.
Written goals are always better than "somedays" so here's my list for 2018~
* write more - finish projects in progress; write sequels; maybe write something new; blog more
* eat healthy - eat out less often, eat less in general
* exercise more - yoga and cardio
* less internet news
What are your plans for 2018? Whatever it is, I wish you peace and happiness in the coming year~
February 21st is an important day for me. Not only is it my father's birthday, it's also the day I found my cancer in 2016. An anniversary.
My dad died of cancer a few years earlier and he's always on my mind this time of year. I can't help feeling like maybe he had something to do with me finding my cancer in some strange way. It was a completely random event on February 21st that led me down the path of diagnosis and treatment, early enough for me to get well. Maybe just a coincidence, but maybe not?
Happy Birthday Dad~ I'll be thinking of you
It's no secret 2016 sucked for a lot of reasons, but it also sucked for me personally because I was diagnosed with cancer. I feel pretty lucky I'm still here to tell the tale. Last winter/spring was a scary time to be me, but by June my treatment was well underway and I was getting better. I have a lot to be thankful for. Early detection and treatment saved my life. If I'd ignored it, it could have spread and caused me a lot more heartache.
Two other women I love battled cancer this year. One is gone now and the other is still in the midst of the fight. I could easily be there myself one day, but for now, I'm focused on living the best life possible. That means taking my meds and taking care of myself, including eating well and exercising. Did you know that drinking alcohol daily raises your cancer risk? I never drank much before, but now I have even more incentive not to.
But more than that, I have a renewed desire to travel. To see new places I've always heard about. I want to actually go there instead of putting it off to some magical future when I have loads of time and money. There is no such time. We only have today. This is it. This is what we get.
I read a great quote this year - we don't know how we'll die, but we can decide how we will live.
The way I want to live is this: I want the peace in my heart that comes from knowing I did all the things I wanted to and never lost my sense of adventure. I want to be a citizen of the world and I want my children to know that sense of wonder too.
For many years I've blogged about New Year's resolutions, but this year I spent a lot of time giving myself permission not to do a lot of things because I needed to rest and recuperate. For 2017, I only resolve to live. Really, truly live. I hope you do too~
Early this year I set out some goals for 2016, not knowing what this year would bring. Boy, was I surprised. I thought I'd take a minute to check over those goals and ask myself, what the heck happened?? I'm not making excuses, but I can already tell you many of these fell by the wayside in March when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I also lost three aged, beloved pets this spring. It was not a fun time.
So what were my goals for 2016?
1) Read lots of books - The first casualty was reading. It usually is the first thing to go because it's a "nice to do" not a "have to do". I did read the new Harry Potter play, which was mildly entertaining. And Mrs. Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, which I liked. (The movie totally changed the ending though.)
2) Write lots of words - Hoo boy! This I did NOT do. At all. When you're worried about your health and going to doctor appointments every week or more, you just don't feel that creative. No new projects were started this year. JuNoWriMo was skipped because of radiation therapy in June. However, I did complete edits on a middle grade manuscript I'm quite fond of called "Troll Teeth and other Bedtime Stories".
3) Travel - I was a little tied down this spring with radiation treatments every day for six and a half weeks, but after that I went to north Idaho to see family. I've also had some good day trips, some to places I've never been before. Most excitingly, I've got reservations for next spring break in St. Petersburg, Florida. I haven't been there for over twenty years.
4) Exercise and eat healthy - This really shouldn't be a goal; it should be every day life. I do mostly eat healthy, but I can't lie - when I thought I might be taking chemotherapy, I did some stress eating. I thought it might be helpful to bulk up before chemo so I had a little weight to lose anyway. Probably not what a doctor would advise, but it made sense to me at the time. I didn't end up getting chemotherapy, so I started watching my portions again. My exercise routine was interrupted by my surgery and I'm afraid I never really got back on the bandwagon. I still enjoy seeing how far I can go on my Fitbit each day, but I think weight bearing exercise is just as important as steps are. People keep saying "sitting is the new smoking". I got a standing desk at work and it's pretty cool.
5) Publish - I did the query thing, a got few nibbles, but no bites. My self-published titles are doing well on Amazon, so I decided to self-publish "Crawdad". It should be available very soon. The rights to "Vessel" were reverted to me from the publisher this year, so I'll be self-publishing that as well. "Troll Teeth" is with a publisher for consideration, as is "Star Taker, Sky Dragon", a steampunk adventure story. If those don't work out, they're both candidates for self-publishing too.
6) Grow a garden that survives - This one I achieved!! A new fence around the garden and a new greenhouse helped a lot, as well as a drop in the vole population spike. I got tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, squash, beans, onions, lettuce, and beets. I made pickles, salsa, tomato sauce, and spaghetti sauce. I've still got tomatoes, but I think I've canned just about all the stuff we can eat, so I'm not sure what I'll do with those. I also plan to make enchilada sauce when my anchos are dried. I also grew the prettiest flowers! The frost got the zinnias already, but there's still poppies and marigolds.
7) Save some money - yeah, not so much. Maybe next year?
8) Do some home improvements - other than the new greenhouse, not much of this happened either
9) Meditate - This helped me tremendously in March and April, which were terribly stressful months. I've meditated before with just a timer, but his year I found an app that had guided mediations for things like stress and worry. It was just what I needed. Check out the Gaiam Mediation Studio if you're interested.
10) Gratitude - If I didn't know how to do this before, I sure do now. Nothing like a life-threating illness to make you appreciate the life you have. I read an inspiring quote the other day that's going to stick with me for awhile....
We don't always know how we'll die, but we can always choose how we will live~
I chose to live life in peace, love, and gratitude.
After having been diagnosed this March with breast cancer, I've been through a whirlwind of medical tests and treatments. Surgery appears to have removed it all. Does that mean I'm cured? In remission? I don't know, but I do know that I'm still a "cancer patient" and probably will be for the rest of my life.
I feel pretty good. I'm lucky enough to only go through radiation therapy. I actually feel guilty that I seem to have gotten off so easy. I still have my breast and my hair. It seems weird to say "I have cancer" because technically, it's gone for all intents and purposes. But many years of cancer research say my odds of reoccurrence are higher now and it's best to be vigilant.
Radiation has been an interesting process. I'm finding most people don't know much about it or confuse it with chemotherapy, which involves taking medications that treat the entire body. The two work very differently. Here's what I've learned, but keep in mind: I'm not a medical professional. This is just my understanding, which may or may not be right.
Radiation is basically a high powered x-ray beam that targets a specific area of the body, in my case, the tissue around my surgery site. That's the place most likely to have microscopic cancer cells still floating around that were missed by the surgery. The radiation kills cells at a certain stage in their life cycle, including cancer cells, and encourages new healthy cells to grow back in their place. This happens naturally all the time, but radiation speeds up the process, which is kind of amazing if you think about it.
The machine that delivers the radiation beam is a huge thing that takes up a big room. It rotates around you while you lay on a table. The process is painless, like an x-ray. There's no light or heat, but there is a green laser line they use to position you exactly the same way each time. The machine clicks a little and whirs when it rotates. It buzzes when the beam is delivered, but it's nowhere near as loud as an MRI machine. It's much faster too. Each treatment lasts maybe 5-10 minutes on the table.
They play an oldies radio station in the room so there's music to distract you, which I think is a nice touch in what could be a really sterile, dark room. The day of my first treatment, Elvis came on the radio. He was singing a song about feeling his temperature rise and I had to laugh. It all seemed so absurd at that moment, lying on my back, half naked with my arms over my head while two technicians I've just barely met push me around on the table until I'm lined up properly. (The position reminds me vaguely of being strung on a torture rack, although it really doesn't hurt, I promise.)
The worst part I've found is the hard "head rest" that isn't that comfortable and essentially being topless in the company of strangers. Thank goodness they're all professional. I guess it's like giving birth - you lose your modesty out of necessity.
The best part is the awesome rose garden the hospital has adjacent to the parking lot that I get to visit every day if I want. The roses are all in bloom this time of year.
Most days I feel pretty good about where I am in this cancer patient stuff. So many people are struggling so much more than I am. Sometimes the terror hits me. What if I'm fooling myself that I'm OK? Lots of women go through breast cancer twice, even three times. I know it could come back anytime. Could be five or ten years down the road. How much longer do I get?
The truth is, none of us know how much time we have. Could be two years or two days. I have to focus on the right-now or I'll drive myself bonkers. Right now, I feel good. I'll take it and be grateful for it. Smell the roses. Every single day of it. You should too.
Peace~
I know this isn’t my usual blog about writing, but sometimes life smacks you up against the head and you have to pay attention. One in eight women will get breast cancer. This year, I became one.
Think about that: one out of eight. If you know eight women, you know someone who’s had or will have breast cancer. Maybe even you. Cancer doesn’t care if you’re young or old, if you eat right and exercise or not. It just happens and no one really knows why.
You’ve probably heard the slogan “early detection is the best protection” and it’s true. The smaller the tumor is when it’s found, the better the result can be if you’re treated right away. I’m not done with my treatment yet. I was only diagnosed in March, but I had surgery immediately and my tumor was very small.
I wish I could tell you I was religiously doing my self-exams, but I wasn’t. My doctor told me to get a mammogram when I was 40, so I did that. It was normal at the time. I do, however, get my yearly gynecological exams. My last one was normal too. The only reason I found my tumor was I happened to wake up one Sunday morning lying on my hand in such a way that I felt a tenderness in my breast. I thought “That’s weird.” I felt around the tender spot and wondered what a lump would feel like. Would it be round like a bead? This didn’t seem to be round, but it did feel like a knot of tissue that was harder than the surrounding area. And it hurt when I pushed on it. I had never noticed it before so I thought I’d watch it that day and see if it changed. It didn’t.
I went to work on Monday thinking I needed to call for an appointment and have it checked. Then I got busy at work and forgot about it. The next day it was still there and I finally called. It would have been an easy thing to ignore for awhile. There was no rash, no weird breast appearance, nothing on the surface. I felt perfectly fine. I was convinced it was nothing. I think the only reason I went in was because I’ve been told all my life, if you find a lump, get it checked! I guess I’ve been well trained.
The nurse practitioner I saw was pretty sure it was normal too, but referred me for a mammogram anyway, thank goodness. It wasn’t normal, which goes to show you, no one knows what’s inside you by only touching the outside. Not even a health care provider.
Since then, I’ve had ultrasounds, MRIs, biopsies, blood tests, and surgery, all in less than two months. Once the result is positive, they don’t mess around. I was potentially facing chemotherapy too, but the doctor decided the size of the tumor was small enough (less than 1 cm) that I can just have radiation treatment for it. After that will be chemo-prevention drugs, to reduce my future risk of a recurrence. I may need to take that for five years or more, which I will gladly do. The drugs reduce future risk by 50%.
I’m not going to lie to you. It’s been a scary couple of months, learning about all this stuff. I’m already sick of getting poked with needles. Waiting for lab results is grueling. Getting bad news is even worse, but not knowing is worse than knowing. All in all, I know am very, very lucky. I found my own tumor. I felt it only because there was a larger area of pre-cancer around it and I don’t have much breast tissue, so it caused the tenderness I was feeling. Women with more tissue may have felt nothing at all and ended up with a much larger tumor. That’s why mammograms, self-exams, and check ups are so important ladies! I know mammograms are uncomfortable and awkward, but all the technicians I’ve had are women. You can handle it, I promise you.
If you’ve got a family history of breast cancer, (aka you have family members with breast cancer), start your yearly mammograms at 35 years old. If you have no family history like I did, you can wait until you’re 40, but start your self-exams right now, today. Women in their 20s and 30s can and do get breast cancer. Men can too, in case you didn’t know. I want you to be healthy and take care of yourself (no smoking), but if you ONLY do one thing, DO your self-exams!! If you’ve never been taught how, check here.
Even though I feel like I dodged a bullet now, breast cancer will be with me for the rest of my life. I have to go through radiation treatment. I’ll be on medication, have mammograms every six months for awhile, and professional breast exams twice yearly. If it returns, I’ll have to have more treatment and surgery. I feel extremely fortunate to have a good job and insurance to pay for all of this because the price of this treatment without insurance is already pretty unbelievable and I’m not even done! I can’t imagine what it must be like for cancer patients with no insurance. My local hospital actually has financial advocates that help patients through the insurance process, set up payment plans and find financial assistance if needed. I can only hope all hospitals are so helpful and that no one ever hesitates to get care if they need it.
Still, even with all that ahead of me, I have a good life and a lot left to do, including a few more books to write. No matter how scary, the treatment is worth it. I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. I intend to fight like a girl and kick cancer’s butt. And if it ever happens to you, I hope you will too.
