Tips for Friends and Family of Cancer Patients

Cancer has barged into our lives again, I'm sad to say. Yet another family member has been diagnosed. Understandably, friends and family are concerned. They want to know what's going on and they want to help, but if you haven't been through it, it's hard to know what's helpful. Every person is different and so is every cancer patient. Some people are very private and others share every detail on social media with the world. Having been through cancer treatment myself and now facing chemotherapy with a loved one, there are a few things that come to mind that would be more helpful than others.

Stay Positive. First and foremost, and this is a hard one, try not to overreact. A cancer diagnosis is not an automatic death sentence these days. After the initial shock of my diagnosis, I realized that I didn't want to mope around like I was already dead and I didn't want others to treat me that way. People can live with cancer for a long time. Like all things in life, it's a marathon, not a sprint. The other thing I've realized is doctors don't know everything. I've heard far too many stories of doctors getting life expectancy terribly wrong. Again, every patient is different and nothing is certain. We just have to take it a day at a time and be the best patient we can be. Please stay positive and help your patient friend stay positive too. Humor is a great alternative to gloom and doom.

I also know you want to help with every suggestion you can think of, but these click-bait articles you find on the internet with miracle cures are not helpful. There is so much garbage about cancer out there you can't believe it! Just try to be supportive and let your patient friend decide what kind of care they want in consultation with their doctors. Unless, of course, you are a doctor yourself. Then feel free to pipe up.

Cooking. There's a tendency to want to cook for the patient and their family. At our house, the patient is not eating large, heavy meals right now and my kids aren't crazy about casseroles, so the only one to eat such things is me. I'm afraid, no matter how well intentioned, food will be wasted. What helps more than food itself is gift cards to buy the special foods that the patient can tolerate. When you're sick, you know how you eat, right? Right now we're eating small meals with high protein if possible. Nothing too spicy, sweet, or fatty. A chemo patient may lose their taste for something they've always enjoyed and their tastes can change from day to day. What sounds delicious one day may sound terrible on another day. You can imagine the grocery bill from trying to accomodate all the changes. Drinks like Boost or Ensure are great; be sure to get the highest protein/highest calorie ones you can find. But ask first if the patient even wants those and what flavors they like. Again, gift cards or money may be the best way to help with food.

Visiting. I think visiting a person when they are ill is a great way to support them, but there are several things to keep in mind. You shouldn't visit if you are sick. Chemotherapy patients have weakened immunity to germs of all kinds. Even if you just have a little cold, skip a visit and text instead. Call before you come and make sure the time you want to visit is OK. Call a day or two ahead to give the patient enough time to be ready for your visit. If you were laying around your house in your underwear, you wouldn't want to be surprised by visitors, right? And once you've set a time, try to be on time. You don't need to stay for a long time unless the patient asks you to. Visit length will all depend upon how long a patient feels comfortable and it's up to you to recognize maybe when it's time to go. Probably shorter is better than longer if they aren't up to talking much.

Helping. I've had lots of offers to help around the house and I truly appreciate those offers. At the moment, I don't need a whole lot of help, but it is reassuring to know that I only have to ask if I need help. And I probably will at some point. I'm lucky to have the flexibility in my job to take leave for all the medical appointments we've had and will be having. I can't imagine doing this with a job that didn't have that flexibility. If your friend or family member with cancer needs help with traveling to appointments, by all means, offer to do that if you can. Offer child care or pet care if they need that. If they have no way to clean their house, do laundry or dishes, offer that. More than anything, we want our lives to feel normal. If your household is falling apart around you, that's not a great way to feel normal.

To this day, I think of that movie scene in Oh God! with John Denver and George Burns as God. God has appeared in John Denver's bathroom to tell him he has a plan for him and John Denver is freaking out. God tells him to shave. "Sometimes when you don't feel normal, doing a normal  thing makes you feel normal," God says. Of course, God is right. We need to maintain an even keel and keep things as normal as we can to stay positive. Thinking too far ahead will drive you crazy.



I want to sincerely thank everyone who's reached out and visited and supported us. It makes this a little easier to bear. Our chemo journey is just starting. It will be hard, but we will get through it. If I forget to thank you for a card or a gift, please know that it is appreciated and I love you.

Goodbye 2017 ~ Hello 2018

2017 has been a good year for me personally. I'm cancer free so far. My job is going well. My garden succeeded for a change. My kids seem to be doing well in school, dare I say thriving? In fact, I've been so busy that a few things have fallen off the plate. I've pretty much been on a writing hiatus since my diagnosis in 2016. 

At first, I needed the time to focus on my health, but after that improved, I never got back into the habit. Now I'm one of those people who says "How do you find the time for that??" except I already know how. I'm ashamed to say the news of the world has knocked me out of my "happy writer place" and made it difficult to concentrate on most anything fictional. I've even been reading less fiction, which is probably the opposite of what I should be doing, for my sanity's sake.

I have plenty of writer chores I need to do: write a couple sequels, finish Troll Teeth, begin querying again. It's hard work and there's no one around forcing me to do it, is the problem. If I had a deadline, I'd be more effective. Of course, the answer has always been, make your own deadline and make yourself meet it. It's no easy feat, which is why not everyone is a writer.




I also don't exercise like I did before my diagnosis. Again, busy work got in the way and it was easy to put it off. When I was diagnosed, a part of me was angry about all the exercise and weight loss I'd been doing. Wasn't I making myself healthier?? Apparently not. After my surgery, yoga and arm exercises were painful for me. I've since learned I have to stretch through the pain to become flexible again, but at the time, it was easier just to not do it. Part of me was like "*uck it, you only live once, might as well eat what I want to". But the other part of me likes to eat healthy and fit into size 8 jeans. I feel better. I've come to the realization that women only need 1200 calories a day, maybe less, to survive. Anything after that is stored away as fat. It's not fair, but its a fact. I still love a good Krispy Kreme, but I want to try to get back to my 2015 weight. Again, work no one makes you do but you.

Written goals are always better than "somedays" so here's my list for 2018~

* write more - finish projects in progress; write sequels; maybe write something new; blog more
* eat healthy - eat out less often, eat less in general
* exercise more - yoga and cardio
* less internet news

What are your plans for 2018? Whatever it is, I wish you peace and happiness in the coming year~

This life is not a line...

The older I get and the more I live through, the more I realize this life is not a line. It's not some magical set of stairs to the top. It's a circle, a spiral that goes around and around and around. We experience things, we learn, and then we start again, experiencing yet more things, learning new truths. We all prefer happiness, but often times, experiencing pain is what teaches us the most. We are sensory beings, feeling the things around us. Not really soaking them up like a sponge, but reacting like sea anemones - open to what we desire, closed to any perceived danger or threat. I say "perceived" because we can let irrational fears rule us just as easily as real fears.



Most of us no longer live in true "fight or flight" situations, but that ancient part of our brains still thinks we do. If we can recognize that irrational fear and overcome it, we often learn that it wasn't so terrifying after all. Meeting new people, taking a class, starting a new job can all be daunting, but ultimately satisfying.


Sometimes we lose though. When you lose or things don't go the way you thought they would or should, don't lose the lesson. Ask yourself, what did I learn? Was it as scary as I thought? Probably not. Was everyone as nervous as I was? Probably so. How am I changed for having gone through that experience?


Are you facing new challenges? I hope you do, no matter how old or young you are.


This life is not a line. It's a circle.

February 21st

February 21st is an important day for me. Not only is it my father's birthday, it's also the day I found my cancer in 2016. An anniversary.

My dad died of cancer a few years earlier and he's always on my mind this time of year. I can't help feeling like maybe he had something to do with me finding my cancer in some strange way. It was a completely random event on February 21st that led me down the path of diagnosis and treatment, early enough for me to get well. Maybe just a coincidence, but maybe not?

Happy Birthday Dad~ I'll be thinking of you

This Writer's Goals for 2016~

Happy New Year!

Time to start anew. If last year was crappy, forget about it! You can always make the next one better. They say, and I believe it's true, writing down your goals makes them more achievable, so here it goes~

My goals for 2016 are as follows:

1) Read lots of books

Last year I read about 25 books, which is pretty good for me! I intend to keep it up. Join me over on Goodreads and set up your own reading goal.

2) Write lots of words

Between 50,000 and 100,000 words would be good. I'll probably take part in JuNoWriMo to get a good chunk of those. June works much better for me than other months. Summer in general works better for me than the school year. I'm in between projects right now with a rough draft to be edited. I'm sure I can have an outline ready by June though.







3) Travel

Going some place I've never been before always inspires me to write, so this is a definite "to do". Last year it was Hawaii. This year, who knows??


4) Exercise and eat healthy

I got a new Fitbit for Christmas and I think I love it already. All the incentive of tracking daily habits without the monthly fee of joining Weight Watchers. (I love you too, WW. Just not the fee.)

5) Publish

I have two novels I'm currently querying and a third rough draft that I'd like to get into shape for querying soon. With any luck, someone somewhere will want something of mine, right?

6) Grow a garden that survives

My garden was a dismal failure last year due to rabbits, voles, and a lack of effort. When I realized how much damage the varmits were causing, I kind of gave up. I still want a garden though. It's going to require raised bed - cages of some sort because there are still lots of rabbits around. I'll come up with something.


7) Save some money

I want to set up a seperate savings account that's never tapped into for normal bills and expenses so it can grow undisturbed. It's just a matter of setting it up and making an auto deposit. I have college savings accounts, so I know I can do it. I just have to make it happen.

8) Do some home improvements

This follows from the above obviously. I'd like to save some money to make some home improvements. I'd like to replace our gas range with an electric one so I don't set myself or the house on fire. I'm not a fan of open flames in cooking, at least not in my house. I'd also like to build a fireplace, but that's sort of a major undertaking. And a back yard patio and pergola would be nice. See? There's no end of reasons for Goal #7.

9) Meditate

My life gets pretty dang hectic starting in January through June, mostly due to my daughter's dance competition season. I get stressed out and cranky. I've meditated before and found it to be a nice respite from all my rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off. I plan to make time for it again this year.

10) Gratitude

Last but not least, I always want to remember to show my gratitude for the people I work with and the family I love, as well as all the blessings in my life. Life is fragile and it can be gone in a moment. 2015 taught me that once again. I don't want to waste a single minute of 2016 complaining or worrying,if that's possible.

What goals will you make for 2016?

My Teen Wish~

The well accepted cliché is that teens ignore everything their parents and other adults say, right? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Teens are like big sponges, soaking up everything around them. It may not look like it to the untrained eye, but everything is taken in, filed away, and locked deep down inside until it gets expressed later. Teens don't truly ignore anything, although sometimes I wish they would.

Every "we can't afford it", every "you look like a beached whale", and every "you'll never succeed with that idea because you're too lazy/dumb/poor/insert your own awful word - all of those words are held onto, whether they're worth keeping or not.

I wish every one of us was born with our own personal "garbage detector", but we aren't. We have to learn what's crap or fact the hard way, that the lies some people told us are just that - lies.

So here's what I wish for teens~

Be deaf to anyone who tells you that you shouldn't aspire to be something greater. Be deaf to "can't" and "won't" and "shouldn't". Refuse to hear "poor" or "lazy" or "stupid" when someone uses it on you and never let it hold you back from your dreams.

Letting Go

It’s been quiet on the blog here, mainly because I needed a break, but also because my family has moved to a new house. There’s been no time for blogging.  It’s a lovely home and will be good for us, but the whole process of moving has been very stressful for me. I guess when you’ve been in a place for sixteen years, you tend to put down roots that resist coming up easy. You also accumulate a lot of dust.  You save stuff you think you might use one day, only to realize five years have passed and you’ve never even looked at it. You never really needed it and it’s time to let it go. Some things are easy to give up. Letting go is much harder when it comes to artwork your child made when they were two and just discovering paint. (Don’t worry; I didn’t put it all in the trash.)

 

I’ll admit I’m a bit of a clutter bug, but it’s nothing compared to the rest of my family, all of whom have serious pack rat issues. I think we’re getting there though. Just so long as they look the other way while I’m tossing out their old school papers and expired Easter candy.

 

On a positive note, I think this cleansing process is probably long overdue. Sitting too long in our own comfy marinade probably doesn’t push us to do new things enough, to shake off the old, and get on with the new. At the very least, I’ve learned that moving the furniture around now and then is probably a good idea. You never know what might fall under there!

 

As good as all this change is, I find myself eager to get back to old routines, like reading and writing. I’m making slow progress on editing a rough draft for submission this year and I’ve just started reading “The Asylum” with the Gothic Book Club on Goodreads. It’s a good stretch for me. I’ve even been thinking maybe I could write a gothic-style novel some day. Hmm J

 

How about you? Is there any aspect of your life that needs decluttered? Maybe it’s time for a good spring cleaning!

 

 

October 25 ~ A Healthier Me

A year ago in September, I went home for lunch and stepped on the scale. I said, “All right. That’s enough. Something’s got to change.” And I signed up for Weight Watchers online. At first, I just tracked my food and I started to lose some weight. Not huge amounts, but enough to be encouraging. After a few weeks though, the weight loss slowed down. In October, I added exercise to my routine and that has made all the difference in the world. By February, I was down to my goal weight. Not some ridiculous two digit weight, but a weight that was healthy for me given my age and height.

 

Today, it occurred to me that I’ve been exercising regularly for about a year now. I’m still at my goal weight. It fluctuates a pound or two, here and there, but that’s normal. I’m stronger and slimmer than I’ve probably ever been my whole adult life and it only took six months. I wish everyone could do this. I mean, anyone CAN do this, but there’s a whole host of reasons why people don’t. It all comes down to you. If you say to yourself, “Self, I’m ready to change myself and my habits and I’m not going to give up until I get it” then you can. And it doesn’t have to happen all at once. I made my changes slowly, a little bit at a time.

 

When I first started tracking my food, it was so hard to stop myself from eating too much. I was snacking WAY too much. I love chocolate. I always had some in my desk. My portions were outta whack. The first few weeks were definitely the hardest because I was learning just how many “points” my usual meals were costing me and I hadn’t yet learned healthier alternatives. I was hungry a lot then. But as I was able to acclimate myself to smaller meals and healthier snacks, I found that smaller portions were enough for me. The stomach is a very elastic thing; the more you stuff in it, the more it stretches and the more food it takes to fill it. If you stop stretching it so much, it shrinks back down after a while.

 

The wonderful thing about Weight Watchers is you can eat any food you want. I could eat chocolate and cookies, and I still do. The key is portion size – it has to be small. The minute you tell me I can’t have something, that’s the only thing I want. You do have to exercise a lot of restraint with those things to keep the portion small, but you can still have it.

 

I was lucky when I started WW I had already given up soda a few years ago. My stomach can hardly tolerate it now; the carbonation kills me. If there was just one thing you could do to improve your health, if nothing else – don’t drink soda. It has a lot of calories and no health value whatsoever. The phosphoric acid is bad for your teeth and probably your bones as well. And you can save a boat load of money by not buying it. That’s my two cents on that. HATE SODA!

 

Anyway, that’s all there is to it. Lots of little changes that add up over time. Less food. More activity. So easy.

Blog 30 Goonies Never Say "Die"!!

Lately, I’ve noticed some of my writer friends are unhappy.  There are a variety of reasons, but most of it seems to revolve around criticism. Notice I didn’t say “critiques”, but criticism.  Opinions are like those other things everyone else has, right? They’re always going to be there.  The trick is to keep those criticisms or unhelpful opinions from bogging us down, or worse, stopping us from writing altogether.

When I first self-published Storyteller, it took a long time to get my first review. The jist of it was, “Meh, its ok.” At least, that’s what I took away from it. Needless to say, I was hoping for a little better than 'meh'. Actually, I was crushed.  And that was from someone who probably thought they were being kind. I can’t imagine what I would have done if that someone had been actually trying to hurt my feelings.  I’ve always been a sensitive person and I can take a lot of things to heart – way too many things- but I’m getting better at separating myself from criticism. At least I think I am. I guess we’ll see how I do when Hush Puppy is released and the first reviews come in.

A few years back, I facilitated a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. What’s that and what does it have to do with criticism? A lot actually. The workshop teaches girls how to deal with all the messages they get each day, both positive and negative, but the advice is excellent for anyone of any age. I love the message so I’m going to pass it along to you.

Imagine yourself in a giant bubble, everywhere you go. This is your personal space bubble. It protects you. You decided what to let into your bubble and what to keep out. Let in the good things around you: supportive friends and family. Reject the bad things, in this case: unconstructive criticism that only seeks to unsettle you or separate you from your dreams. We don’t want to completely shut ourselves off from constructive criticism, but we should be selective as to whom we let into our bubble.

My favorite writer about writing, Brenda Ueland, says this:

"The only good teachers for you are those friends who love you, who think you are interesting, or very important, or wonderfully funny; whose attitude is: Tell me more. Tell me all you can. I want to understand more about everything you feel and know and all the changes inside and out of you. Let more come out. And if you have no such friend,  -and you want to write, -well then you must imagine one."

If you haven’t read her book "If you want to write: a book about art, independence, and spirit" , I urge you to check it out. I’ve raved about it in posts before, so I won’t do it here. I’ll just say there are some lovely passages. Whenever I get discouraged about my writing, I open it up and quickly find comfort.

And if you find yourself the subject of unwanted criticism, decide what to accept and what to disregard. The choice is truly yours.

Blog #13 Resolutions in Review

Half a year ago in deepest, darkest winter, I made a number of resolutions. I thought mid way through the year might be a good time to review and see what I still have left to do. Just to see how it's going.

1. Get published

I've been working hard with my editor on this one. Hush Puppy has made it through proofreading and has been sent off to the formatting department. Now, I'm just waiting for them to do their magic and tell me when it will be released...waiting...waiting patiently. Luckily, I have several other projects in the hopper to keep me preoccupied.  More about those in a later post...


2. Get healthy

I made it to a healthy goal weight in March and I'm in "maintenance" now. I fluctuate about a pound, up or down, each week. I can live with that. I feel good. My summer work schedule has changed how much time I have to work out, but I seem to be doing enough to stay in the right place. I never honestly thought I would lose as much as I did, but it came from changing eating habits and doing more exercise.  When you make up your own mind to change, it really isn't that hard to do. Honest.

3. Read and write more

Hmm. I read more during the winter. Lately, I've fallen off that wagon. Reading is one of those things that slips off the plate so easily for me. It's not for lack of books on my 'read' list at Goodreads.  See comment in a previous blog about cloning myself...

However, I do think I've been writing more or at least more regularly. My goal of a chapter a week seems to be keeping me on track toward finishing Storyteller Book 3 this fall, while giving me some flexibility in how much I get done on any given day.







4. Be more flexible, mentally and physically

For the physical part of this, I started doing yoga in the mornings. Nothing too crazy difficult. None of that 120 degree yoga class stuff for me. Just some nice stretching and breathing. It's good to take some time to just focus on your body and listen to what it's telling you. It's a wonderful way to start the day.

The mental part, well...I dunno. I do my best to remember my mental flexibility, but I'm sure I've had moments where I reacted with my gut to people, rather than being open to what they have to say. I guess that will just have to be a work in progress.

5. Rest when you need to

This is probably my downfall. Like a lot of people, I have a lot of balls in the air at any given time.  Like all this blogging, for instance.  Maybe in August, I'll take a break from daily blogging and read some more, get two resolutions done at once.

Did you make any resolutions this year? How's it going? I'd really like to know.

Blog #9 Missing my Morning Yoga

When the weather got over 100 degrees there for a few days, I switched my schedule around. I’m a creature of habit normally. On a typical day, I get up and do twenty minutes of yoga before breakfast and waking up anyone else. Then I get dressed and go to work. 

I started the yoga over the winter and it quickly became a favorite part of my routine.  I use a couple of Rodney Yee videos with lots of different workouts so I never get bored with it. At least not so far.

 

 

But when it started getting hot out, I decided I had better feed my llamas early in the morning while it’s still cool outside. It’s been nice seeing the sun come up.  I don’t have time to do both in the morning without getting up even earlier, so I thought I would just move the yoga to the evenings.

Trouble is I haven’t remembered to do it. Too many other things get in the way! Writing, blogging, taking the kids to the pool, the dog to the vet, etc. etc. I swear I need to clone myself just to get all the stuff done I need to do in a day.

 

 

 

Anyway, it kind of worked before, so starting this week I'm back to yoga in the mornings!  I'll just have to sweat out feeding llamas in the evenings, even if it is hot. :)  What's your morning ritual?

Blog #8 "Off to Camp” or “The Importance of Travel”

Well, my Hannah bee is off to Sawtooth camp this week.  Her brother Ryan is excited he gets the TV all to himself!

at the Sawtooth Fish Hatchery~

 

When Hannah gets back we’ll be off on our trip to Oregon. After that, she gets a week at home and then she’s on the road to Grandma’s for a week or two. She’s a busy girl.  School starts August 19, so she doesn’t have much time left to fit it all in, but it’s good for her. Travel is good for all of us actually.

Redfish Lake~

I know, you’re saying, “it’s expensive” or “I don’t have the time”, but it doesn’t have to be very far or very long to have a benefit.  Seeing new things and having new, out of the ordinary experiences energizes us.  When we’re little, everything is new and exciting to us. As we get older, we tend to fall into a rut, mostly because of our daily obligations. If we let ourselves stay in that space too long, we get tired and sometimes cynical.  We have to break out of routine every so often to keep ourselves sane.

Sawtooth Valley, Idaho~

My mom came to visit recently and we took several day trips. None of them were more than two hours away, but it was nice to get out of the house and see some new scenery for a change. I want to challenge you this summer to go somewhere you’ve never been.  Then come back and tell me how much you loved it because I know you will ;)

Resolutions, Both Old and New

Every year I resolve to get published.  This might actually be the year it happens, for real.  I say “might” because I have signed a contract with Featherweight Press to publish my contemporary young adult novel, Hush Puppy, but I have no idea how long the editing process will take.  I am hopeful that 2013 will be the year.  So, resolution number one…well in hand!

I made several new resolutions this year too.  I resolved to be healthy.  Last fall, I started watching my diet and exercising.  To date, I’ve lost 21 pounds and I’m working on becoming even more active.  Resolution two…lookin’ good!

I resolved to read more and write more.  If you haven’t been on Goodreads.com yet, get on over there and be my friend!    Let me know what I should be reading.  “Writing more” includes doing a better job on this blog and various other social medias, but mostly it means getting busy on my two works in progress – a paranormal romance and a dystopian.  If only I hadn’t become addicted to Pinterest recently.  (But seriously, go see my pins!   I love to play there and on twitter @peach83352)

I also signed up for a week long writers’ workshop on the Oregon Coast this summer.  All my best writer friends I’ve met at conferences and workshops and I’m sure this one will be no different.  Maybe you could come too?  If you can’t make it, I’ll try to blog about it and put up some pictures.  You can’t really take bad pictures on the Oregon Coast.

I resolved to be more flexible, mentally and physically.  The physical part is easy. I get up earlier and do yoga, just me and Rodney Yee (on video).  I make sure it’s dark and no one’s around to see me on purpose!  It’s pretty funny, but it sure feels good to stretch and breathe deep in the morning.  The mental flexibility is hard to describe, but I want to try to be kinder and less judgmental of others.  Not sure how I’ll do, but wish me luck.

Lastly, I resolved to rest when I need to, which might be the hardest thing of all, given all of the above.  It’s the easiest thing to forget too.

So, how about you?  What will you do for yourself this year?