With the Bitter comes the Sweet~

It's been awhile since I've written anything. 2018 wasn't kind to any of us. My writing hiatus that started in 2016 just kept going and going. And now, finally having made it to 2019, I'm a furloughed government employee. Nothing I do for my day job is life altering, so I'm considered non-essential, sitting at home. It hasn't been too bad for me. I have savings and I'll get by, but I do worry about the new employees that just barely started their careers. I worry about the contract janitor, who's probably had to get a new job by now. I worry about my friends who were set to retire on Dec. 30. Their retirement is not getting processed. And I worry about insurance coverage continuing. I suppose we'll all muddle through somehow.

I had a slightly ominous feeling all through the holidays that things in my personal life were changing and would not be the same for much longer. Now I feel the same way about my professional life. This shutdown, the longest in history, changes things. If there's one thing I've learned in 25 years of federal service, you never know what's just around the corner.

One bright spot has been a private Facebook group set up by federal employees to share how they spent the furlough. I couldn't tell you how many agencies are represented, but I think it's a lot of the land management types, Forest Service, Bureau of Land Management. I've often said our agency is like a family: you don't get to pick who you spend your career life with and you have to figure out how to get along with them all. At the end of the day, we support each other. The Federal employees I know are some of the most amazing people you'll ever meet. 

The Facebook group is strangely like a family too. Many of us are spending our days cleaning out the dark recesses of our closets or completing those long overdue household tasks, like painting the doors or the bathroom. Others are taking on bigger projects like landscaping or home renovation. Some are working on their art, painting, stained glass, baking. We've experienced births and deaths over this furlough and had oh so valuable time to spend with loved ones. That's one unexpected blessing to come out of this: time. With the bitter always comes the sweet.

No one becomes a federal employee just for the money. The jobs can pay well, but there are thousands of entry-level support positions that don't pay that great. I think people stay in federal employment because they feel valued, like what they do matters. They provide a service to the American people, even when those people speak ill of them. It's called civil service for a reason. When an employee doesn't feel that calling, they usually don't stay. Most of the federal employees I know are loyal public servants and they love what they do. Peace~

Gratitude Always~

There are many people to thank and I haven't yet found the time to do it, but I don't want you to think I've forgotten all the kindness shown to us these past months. The flowers, cards, photos, texts and calls are all greatly appreciated and we really were touched to hear how much you cared. In fact, all of this has taught me how important it is to let people know how you feel about them. Which is why I want to write the thank you cards, but I also don't. Writing my gratitude down stirs up emotions that are hard to feel and hard to explain. But I'll get it done. I promise.

Tips for Friends and Family of Cancer Patients

Cancer has barged into our lives again, I'm sad to say. Yet another family member has been diagnosed. Understandably, friends and family are concerned. They want to know what's going on and they want to help, but if you haven't been through it, it's hard to know what's helpful. Every person is different and so is every cancer patient. Some people are very private and others share every detail on social media with the world. Having been through cancer treatment myself and now facing chemotherapy with a loved one, there are a few things that come to mind that would be more helpful than others.

Stay Positive. First and foremost, and this is a hard one, try not to overreact. A cancer diagnosis is not an automatic death sentence these days. After the initial shock of my diagnosis, I realized that I didn't want to mope around like I was already dead and I didn't want others to treat me that way. People can live with cancer for a long time. Like all things in life, it's a marathon, not a sprint. The other thing I've realized is doctors don't know everything. I've heard far too many stories of doctors getting life expectancy terribly wrong. Again, every patient is different and nothing is certain. We just have to take it a day at a time and be the best patient we can be. Please stay positive and help your patient friend stay positive too. Humor is a great alternative to gloom and doom.

I also know you want to help with every suggestion you can think of, but these click-bait articles you find on the internet with miracle cures are not helpful. There is so much garbage about cancer out there you can't believe it! Just try to be supportive and let your patient friend decide what kind of care they want in consultation with their doctors. Unless, of course, you are a doctor yourself. Then feel free to pipe up.

Cooking. There's a tendency to want to cook for the patient and their family. At our house, the patient is not eating large, heavy meals right now and my kids aren't crazy about casseroles, so the only one to eat such things is me. I'm afraid, no matter how well intentioned, food will be wasted. What helps more than food itself is gift cards to buy the special foods that the patient can tolerate. When you're sick, you know how you eat, right? Right now we're eating small meals with high protein if possible. Nothing too spicy, sweet, or fatty. A chemo patient may lose their taste for something they've always enjoyed and their tastes can change from day to day. What sounds delicious one day may sound terrible on another day. You can imagine the grocery bill from trying to accomodate all the changes. Drinks like Boost or Ensure are great; be sure to get the highest protein/highest calorie ones you can find. But ask first if the patient even wants those and what flavors they like. Again, gift cards or money may be the best way to help with food.

Visiting. I think visiting a person when they are ill is a great way to support them, but there are several things to keep in mind. You shouldn't visit if you are sick. Chemotherapy patients have weakened immunity to germs of all kinds. Even if you just have a little cold, skip a visit and text instead. Call before you come and make sure the time you want to visit is OK. Call a day or two ahead to give the patient enough time to be ready for your visit. If you were laying around your house in your underwear, you wouldn't want to be surprised by visitors, right? And once you've set a time, try to be on time. You don't need to stay for a long time unless the patient asks you to. Visit length will all depend upon how long a patient feels comfortable and it's up to you to recognize maybe when it's time to go. Probably shorter is better than longer if they aren't up to talking much.

Helping. I've had lots of offers to help around the house and I truly appreciate those offers. At the moment, I don't need a whole lot of help, but it is reassuring to know that I only have to ask if I need help. And I probably will at some point. I'm lucky to have the flexibility in my job to take leave for all the medical appointments we've had and will be having. I can't imagine doing this with a job that didn't have that flexibility. If your friend or family member with cancer needs help with traveling to appointments, by all means, offer to do that if you can. Offer child care or pet care if they need that. If they have no way to clean their house, do laundry or dishes, offer that. More than anything, we want our lives to feel normal. If your household is falling apart around you, that's not a great way to feel normal.

To this day, I think of that movie scene in Oh God! with John Denver and George Burns as God. God has appeared in John Denver's bathroom to tell him he has a plan for him and John Denver is freaking out. God tells him to shave. "Sometimes when you don't feel normal, doing a normal  thing makes you feel normal," God says. Of course, God is right. We need to maintain an even keel and keep things as normal as we can to stay positive. Thinking too far ahead will drive you crazy.



I want to sincerely thank everyone who's reached out and visited and supported us. It makes this a little easier to bear. Our chemo journey is just starting. It will be hard, but we will get through it. If I forget to thank you for a card or a gift, please know that it is appreciated and I love you.

This life is not a line...

The older I get and the more I live through, the more I realize this life is not a line. It's not some magical set of stairs to the top. It's a circle, a spiral that goes around and around and around. We experience things, we learn, and then we start again, experiencing yet more things, learning new truths. We all prefer happiness, but often times, experiencing pain is what teaches us the most. We are sensory beings, feeling the things around us. Not really soaking them up like a sponge, but reacting like sea anemones - open to what we desire, closed to any perceived danger or threat. I say "perceived" because we can let irrational fears rule us just as easily as real fears.



Most of us no longer live in true "fight or flight" situations, but that ancient part of our brains still thinks we do. If we can recognize that irrational fear and overcome it, we often learn that it wasn't so terrifying after all. Meeting new people, taking a class, starting a new job can all be daunting, but ultimately satisfying.


Sometimes we lose though. When you lose or things don't go the way you thought they would or should, don't lose the lesson. Ask yourself, what did I learn? Was it as scary as I thought? Probably not. Was everyone as nervous as I was? Probably so. How am I changed for having gone through that experience?


Are you facing new challenges? I hope you do, no matter how old or young you are.


This life is not a line. It's a circle.

Life is too short.

Life is precious and life is too short.

Too short to let fear hold you back.

Too short to spend every day indoors.

Too short to hold grudges or be angry for long.

Too short for hate and prejudice.

Too short to hang onto your money.

Too short not to give.

Too short not to do the things you love, to find your passion.

Too short not to smell the flowers.

Too short not to let your loved ones know you care.

Your life is a precious gift you've been given. 

Live it.

Writer Rebooting

I've been quiet this summer.

It's been that kind of year. The kind of year where I take long, unexpected breaks from writing. Sometimes I plan it. Sometimes I don't. It just happens.  I had ambitions to get more writing done this year than I did, but I'm trying to be easy on myself because life happens and it's nobody's fault.

I still have lots of projects I'm working towards completing. I just may have some surprises left in me yet ;)

Stay tuned....

Life is a Series of Last Chance Canyons~

A wise cowboy once told me his personal philosophy ~ life is a series of last chance canyons. He said he realized it once while he was riding the range in Last Chance Canyon and wondered about the name. Dry Creek Canyon was named for the creek that went dry in the summer. Rock Creek Canyon had a lot of rocks. It occurred to him that someone must have had a last chance in this canyon once.

He said you have a lot of chances in life, firsts and lasts. Everyone remembers their firsts: your first bike ride, your first date, your first day of school are things everyone recognizes as significant. You remember some of your lasts too, like graduation is an end to you childhood, but some you don't notice until they're passed. Like your last chance to hold your child on your lap or jump on the bed with them. Pretty soon they grow up and you've lost that chance. Or you last chance to see an old friend or loved one. Most of us have experienced a sudden loss where we didn't know the last time we saw or spoke to someone was our last chance to be with them, to share a special moment with them, and let them know how we feel. If we'd only known.

Life is a series of last chance canyons. Don't be afraid to take a chance~

My newest title: Cancer Patient

After having been diagnosed this March with breast cancer, I've been through a whirlwind of medical tests and treatments. Surgery appears to have removed it all. Does that mean I'm cured? In remission? I don't know, but I do know that I'm still a "cancer patient" and probably will be for the rest of my life.

I feel pretty good. I'm lucky enough to only go through radiation therapy. I actually feel guilty that I seem to have gotten off so easy. I still have my breast and my hair. It seems weird to say "I have cancer" because technically, it's gone for all intents and purposes. But many years of cancer research say my odds of reoccurrence are higher now and it's best to be vigilant.

Radiation has been an interesting process. I'm finding most people don't know much about it or confuse it with chemotherapy, which involves taking medications that treat the entire body. The two work very differently. Here's what I've learned, but keep in mind: I'm not a medical professional. This is just my understanding, which may or may not be right.

Radiation is basically a high powered x-ray beam that targets a specific area of the body, in my case, the tissue around my surgery site. That's the place most likely to have microscopic cancer cells still floating around that were missed by the surgery. The radiation kills cells at a certain stage in their life cycle, including cancer cells, and encourages new healthy cells to grow back in their place. This happens naturally all the time, but radiation speeds up the process, which is kind of amazing if you think about it.

The machine that delivers the radiation beam is a huge thing that takes up a big room. It rotates around you while you lay on a table. The process is painless, like an x-ray. There's no light or heat, but there is a green laser line they use to position you exactly the same way each time. The machine clicks a little and whirs when it rotates. It buzzes when the beam is delivered, but it's nowhere near as loud as an MRI machine. It's much faster too. Each treatment lasts maybe 5-10 minutes on the table.

They play an oldies radio station in the room so there's music to distract you, which I think is a nice touch in what could be a really sterile, dark room. The day of my first treatment, Elvis came on the radio. He was singing a song about feeling his temperature rise and I had to laugh. It all seemed so absurd at that moment, lying on my back, half naked with my arms over my head while two technicians I've just barely met push me around on the table until I'm lined up properly. (The position reminds me vaguely of being strung on a torture rack, although it really doesn't hurt, I promise.)

The worst part I've found is the hard "head rest" that isn't that comfortable and essentially being topless in the company of strangers. Thank goodness they're all professional. I guess it's like giving birth - you lose your modesty out of necessity.

The best part is the awesome rose garden the hospital has adjacent to the parking lot that I get to visit every day if I want. The roses are all in bloom this time of year.

Most days I feel pretty good about where I am in this cancer patient stuff. So many people are struggling so much more than I am. Sometimes the terror hits me. What if I'm fooling myself that I'm OK? Lots of women go through breast cancer twice, even three times. I know it could come back anytime. Could be five or ten years down the road. How much longer do I get?

The truth is, none of us know how much time we have. Could be two years or two days. I have to focus on the right-now or I'll drive myself bonkers. Right now, I feel good. I'll take it and be grateful for it. Smell the roses. Every single day of it. You should too.

Peace~

Rainbow Bridge

Man, I'm so tired of writing pet eulogies. Can this be the last one for awhile, please Universe??  I've lost 3 elderly pets in 2016 already. Yesterday, the last remaining member of a litter of three stray kittens born in an old burn barrel in our yard 16 years ago crossed the rainbow bridge. She and her sister left me just three weeks apart.

Domino was my writing buddy. She loved to curl up on the bed next to me while I worked on my netbook. She wasn't much for hugs, but she enjoyed being by your side and loved roaming the countryside.

Kameko had the longest hair of the three sisters and she got a little tubby in her middle years, so she got a yearly haircut, which she hated. Here she is giving me the evil eye for one of those haircuts. This isn't the best picture of her, but I'm having trouble finding a better pic with hair at the moment. Kameko was a little persnickety. She didn't put up with any crap from kids or dogs. She was the boss.

I'm gonna miss those girls. They've been through a lot with us. They were older than my kids and grew up with them. They were my first children. Love you sweeties~

A Dog's Tale

You know that feeling when you wake up and someone who's been with you for 13 1/2 years isn't there? It sucks.

This week we said goodbye to our Daisy girl. She first showed up, dumped at our house in the country, in January 2003. I never thought in a million years I'd own a bully breed. I know why someone dumped her. She was crazy wild destructive. I got her fixed and kept her in my laundry room to keep her quiet. She tore that room up like a Tasmanian Devil, including ripping the molding off the door jam, stepping on a nail, and smearing blood everywhere. I borrowed a metal dog crate and she bent the bars with her teeth, trying to get out. I tied her out with a horse rope lead and she chewed through the rope. I had to resort to a choke collar, which seems cruel, but it was the only collar that she couldn't slip off over her ears. It didn't hurt her. Her pain tolerance was sky high. I would have given her away, but I didn't want to saddle someone else with her bad behavior. I just knew they would hate me, or worse, end up dumping her again. So she stayed with us.

Daisy loved to chase cars. It was a pathological compulsion for her. I tried to keep her tied up, but when she ran loose, she was always chasing cars. I'm sure my neighbors hated us some days. Honestly, I always thought a car would get her one day, but she was wicked fast and always managed to avoid being seriously hurt. She also had a naughty habit of finding all sorts of nasty, dead things and bringing them home to chew on. She was a great mouser too. She really was a dog's dog.

Daisy wasn't spoiled, but she had a really great life, running through the brush, digging in the dirt, getting into trouble. The vet said she was probably a mixed breed pit bull. Like I said, I never wanted a pit bull, but I got one. Daisy taught me a lesson that's true for people and dogs alike. Never judge someone by their appearance. She was a pit bull, but she was also a sweetheart. 

Goodbye sweetie~ have fun running with Jakey and Snickers~ give them doggie kisses for us~xoxo love you forever

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become reality...I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love  will have the final word~ 
                       Martin Luther King 

A man of many wise words, this is one of my favorite quotes, as true today as the day he wrote it. I, too, am unwilling to accept violence as the only way. May you know peace in your hearts and your world, this day and always~

I truly believe #LifeisGood :)

I didn't personally know Tina, but I do believe in her motto #LifeisGood and I love sunflowers too, so I'm joining the Sunflower Blogfest in her honor. This bad boy is standing out in my garden right now, probably twelve feet tall. We may not know how much time we have in this world, but I hope we can all find time to savor the little joys that find us each day.

Like a nice bath..

 

Or a nice writing buddy...

 

 

~Wishing you Peace and Sunflowers my friends ~ this day and always~

 

My Teen Wish~

The well accepted cliché is that teens ignore everything their parents and other adults say, right? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Teens are like big sponges, soaking up everything around them. It may not look like it to the untrained eye, but everything is taken in, filed away, and locked deep down inside until it gets expressed later. Teens don't truly ignore anything, although sometimes I wish they would.

Every "we can't afford it", every "you look like a beached whale", and every "you'll never succeed with that idea because you're too lazy/dumb/poor/insert your own awful word - all of those words are held onto, whether they're worth keeping or not.

I wish every one of us was born with our own personal "garbage detector", but we aren't. We have to learn what's crap or fact the hard way, that the lies some people told us are just that - lies.

So here's what I wish for teens~

Be deaf to anyone who tells you that you shouldn't aspire to be something greater. Be deaf to "can't" and "won't" and "shouldn't". Refuse to hear "poor" or "lazy" or "stupid" when someone uses it on you and never let it hold you back from your dreams.

October 5~ Goodbye Summer

 
 
 
 

My son and I took a little trip to a local pumpkin patch today. It was a crisp fall day. As much as I hate to admit it, it's time to say goodbye to summer. I'll miss my morning glories. They're pretty much gone now, but I have my pictures.




At the pumpkin patch, we loaded up on pumpkins and squash, big and little. And I found some yummy jam there made with strawberries and honey.  I'm a sucker for anything that says "honey" on it.




Of course, Ryan had to slide down the straw slide face first and shoot the corn cannon multiple times. The cannon was pretty impressive, a real launcher.



I couldn't convince Ryan it was actually chilly out and he shouldn't wear shorts.  To compensate, or maybe just to make me feel better, he wore three shirts and a vest. Moms are stupid, duh.  I guess he's not ready to say goodbye to summer either.





I hope you are enjoying fall~

Blog 26 One of my favorite things~

I had hoped to be posting a release day post about Hush Puppy in July, but it seems I'll have to wait just a bit longer. There is  a lovely galley in existence now, which means it's getting oh-so close to being published.  There's also a blog post, all ready to go on release day, to tell you just how the book came to be. Until then, I thought I might chat a little with you about the themes in the book and what I was striving for when I wrote it.  You already know how much I love themes, right?

 

Hush Puppy could succinctly be described as a coming of age story, but I like to think it's also about growing into one's own sense of self esteem, something many of us don't truly achieve until later in life.  In addition to that, the book is about a funny little thing called friendship.  It's one of my very favorite themes and it crops up in my writing again and again, no matter what I write.

Friendship is a hard thing to get your metaphorical arms around. If you were to define friendship, how would you describe it? An affection between two people? Is it trust or an understanding and acceptance of another's personality, their flaws and foibles?  Is a friend a confidant, a person you can trust with your secrets?

 

I myself have very definite opinions about what makes a friendship and I wanted to explore that in Hush Puppy.  What happens when the trust of a friendship is betrayed? Or when that friendship gets tangled up with feelings of love or dependence?

To me, a friend is someone you can be totally yourself with without fear of rejection or ridicule.  Even then, there's a constant push-pull between the two of boundaries, of affection and closeness. Some friends are more distant than others and we're constantly trying to gauge where we stand with them. The friends we're closest to are those that know our inner most fears, those that support us, and encourage us to grow, maybe even against our will.

What do you think makes a friendship? Have you ever had a friend betray your trust? What happened?

 

Blog #24 Starting over~

Omigosh you guys!! Writing conferences can make you think about your writing in a whole new way - a fact proven to me once again in Oregon at the Oregon Coast Children's Book Writer's Workshop.  I submitted a first page for group critique. It was read aloud anonymously (which I love) and critiqued by the group of instructors in front of everyone.

I submitted a first page of a story that I knew needed work. I wasn't entirely happy with it and I couldn't really figure out why. I had written the book and decided it needed a better beginning, so I wrote a new chapter one and stuck it on the beginning of the book. It was a beautiful chapter one and I was very proud of it, but as it was read aloud and I listened to everyone's comments, I realized it doesn't match the rest of the book. The tone is literary, reflective, and somewhat sad, but the rest of the book is a silly, little paranormal romance I wrote for fun. I think I've come to the realization that this chapter one doesn't belong to this paranormal story at all, but to another sort of story.

I don't mind writing young adult (YA) contemporary. Hush Puppy is YA contemporary, but I seem to have to stumble into these kinds of books. The first chapter of Hush Puppy placed well in a contest and I knew I had to write the book. The first chapter of this book, written in contemporary style, got such positive feedback in the critique session that I think I had better write it too. Perhaps my strength lies in YA contemporary?

I know I probably worry too much about writing heavy subjects...I'm not sure why I hesitate to go there. Probably because I know it will be much work and will require much soul searching, some of it probably gut wrenching. I also know those are the kinds of stories I seem to do the best so I suppose I should listen to the universe and get busy writing.

But where to begin? Reimagining the entire story completely differently is a little daunting. I wish I could erase my memory!  Have you ever scrapped an entire manuscript to start off in another direction? How did you do it??

Blog #23 The Best time to Write

I’m finding more and more that the best time to write, for me, is in the morning, which kinda sucks because when do I find the time to write? In the evening, of course.  I can still write in the evening. I do it a lot actually, but mornings seem so much more magical. Especially that oh-so brief bit between entirely awake and entirely asleep. On really good days, I can brainstorm my whole writing day right there.

The other morning, I wrote a short poem, thought of a blog topic, and realized what needed to happen in my next chapter, all before getting out of bed. Since I had no paper or pen, I typed out a few brief notes on the iPhone and went back to sleep. The poem will fit nicely into Storyteller Book III because each chapter starts with a poem or a snippet of a ballad or a word from the wise fictitious character.  When do you write your best stuff?

Just for fun, here’s my poem for you. Enjoy!

Where ever the wind blows,

where ever the owl calls, and the fern grows,

I’ll be there with you~

Blog #22 Letter to my Fifteen Year Old Self

Today is my 43rd birthday.  I had to give some extra thought to what I might write today.  I finally settled on this letter to myself when I was a young writer. Please feel free to pass it along to any young writers you may know too~

Dear me, 

I know there are lots of kids out there, just like you, who want to write something, but lack the confidence or the support to do it. I’m here to tell you, do it anyway.

Maybe you think it’s stupid or silly or you wouldn’t show it to anyone in a million years. That’s ok. Keep every single scrap of paper you ever wrote a story on anyway. You might use it later. You don’t have to show anyone until you’re ready.  Just remember, there’s no one like you in the whole world and you have something important to say. Everyone does.  Don’t listen to the naysayers that tell you otherwise. Ever.

And it may not be very good at first, but you’re learning. Like anything, it takes practice. Keep at it. Read everything you can and then write some more. Find your voice, your “you-ness”, and put it on the page.  When it is true and honest, it will shine and you will know you’ve done your best.

 

 

Blog #19 Writerly Persuits

I’m constantly surprised how many of my compatriots in writing for young people are so much older than I. Sure, there are a few of us that are younger (not that I’m all that young), but many folks are retired and have now found the time to write. No doubt, writing while working and raising a family are not for the faint hearted. I know from my own experience trying to do it. Things have to drop. Your house can’t stay clean all the time. Your physical fitness might be ignored. Your family might even get a little testy if you spend all of your free time writing.

At any rate, I hope it’s not because folks have deferred their dreams. A dream deferred dries up like a raisin in the sun a famous author once wrote, and it’s true.  Reminds me a blog I wrote not too long ago about not putting things off until tomorrow.  What dreams have you been putting off until “someday”?

 

Blog #18 With sadness and regret…

I use Twitter as my news source. Some would say that’s ridiculous. Maybe it is, but all I really want to know is the 140 character gist of what’s up. If I want to know more, I’ll go to the internet or the tv after that, but it’s rarely necessary. I have an extremely low tolerance for television pundits. Anyway, you can imagine my dismay when the last news I got on Twitter (before losing my internet connection last weekend) was the verdict in the Trayvon Martin trial. I call it the Martin trial because it seems like Trayvon was the one on trial.

If a person can’t walk down the street to the convenience store and back without being considered “suspicious” what can they do? I know that being a black man in this country is not easy and I’ll never know what it’s truly like.

I just want to say this: The way we treat people is the way they tend to become. If we treat a child with contempt and distain, they grow into an angry, bitter adult. If we expect the worst of a child and we continually tell them they won’t succeed in life, that’s usually what happens. If we teach young people they should fear others and hate others, they won’t question it.  It’s a rare individual that can break out of that.  No one is born a failure or a success.  No one is born a bigot or a saint. We make them.  And I weep for us all.